This here post is a little bit different than my regular posts. It concerns a subject I have written about before, extensively on another blog I have, but a couple of times here.
As most of y’all that have been followin’ me for some time know, I am my momma’s caretaker as she has Vascular Dementia. Here lately, she has been slippin’ a lot more than usual, which is expected but also unwelcomed.
How is it possible to be Full and yet, be Empty at the same time? Well, I’m gonna tell ya.
My daily life is comprised of 24-hour care of momma. About the only thing I don’t do for her is give her a bath. My days and nights are full of doin’ practically everything for her as far as cookin’, straightnin’ the house, etc. She does have an aide that comes in, supposed to be every day from 8:30 – 3:30, but that don’t always happen and the weekends are all me.
My attention is always full because I have to know how she’s feelin’, what she wants at any given time, knowin’ that she’s comfortable and so on. Her chair is less than 6 feet away from my desk so I’m always with her unless her aide is here and I am able to go to the store, doctor appointments or lay down when my back is hurtin’ real bad.
On the flip side of that coin, I’m also empty. I’m empty of any social life aside from this blog and Facebook. Nobody ever comes to visit but I understand that, people have their own lives to live.
I would say that I’m empty of emotion as well but I would be lyin’ to ya. However, the most prevalent emotion I have is sadness. There is some anger thrown in and some frustration too. Happiness is a foreign emotion for me. Oh, I put on a good face, but behind that face there is so much goin’ on it would astound most folks if they were able to “see” it.
So, my life is Full but it is Empty too. Now don’t go and get me wrong. I’m not complainin’ at all about taken care of momma. I always told her as I was growin’ up that if she ever needed anyone to care for her I would be the one to do it, and that’s exactly what I’m doin’ now.
I’m honored to be the one she depends on, even if she can’t remember my name most of the time. I KNOW she’s bein’ well taken care of and that’s what’s important.