Full But Empty Too

Source: Google Images

Source: Google Images

This here post is a little bit different than my regular posts. It concerns a subject I have written about before, extensively on another blog I have, but a couple of times here.

As most of y’all that have been followin’ me for some time know, I am my momma’s caretaker as she has Vascular Dementia. Here lately, she has been slippin’ a lot more than usual, which is expected but also unwelcomed.

How is it possible to be Full and yet, be Empty at the same time? Well, I’m gonna tell ya.

My daily life is comprised of 24-hour care of momma. About the only thing I don’t do for her is give her a bath. My days and nights are full of doin’ practically everything for her as far as cookin’, straightnin’ the house, etc. She does have an aide that comes in, supposed to be every day from 8:30 – 3:30, but that don’t always happen and the weekends are all me.

My attention is always full because I have to know how she’s feelin’, what she wants at any given time, knowin’ that she’s comfortable and so on. Her chair is less than 6 feet away from my desk so I’m always with her unless her aide is here and I am able to go to the store, doctor appointments or lay down when my back is hurtin’ real bad.

On the flip side of that coin, I’m also empty. I’m empty of any social life aside from this blog and Facebook. Nobody ever comes to visit but I understand that, people have their own lives to live.

I would say that I’m empty of emotion as well but I would be lyin’ to ya. However, the most prevalent emotion I have is sadness. There is some anger thrown in and some frustration too. Happiness is a foreign emotion for me. Oh, I put on a good face, but behind that face there is so much goin’ on it would astound most folks if they were able to “see” it.

So, my life is Full but it is Empty too. Now don’t go and get me wrong. I’m not complainin’ at all about taken care of momma. I always told her as I was growin’ up that if she ever needed anyone to care for her I would be the one to do it, and that’s exactly what I’m doin’ now.

I’m honored to be the one she depends on, even if she can’t remember my name most of the time. I KNOW she’s bein’ well taken care of and that’s what’s important.

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11 comments on “Full But Empty Too
  1. You’re a strong, amiable man. You put your momma first in a time when it seems that most run to avoid the challenge. Good man

  2. Holly says:

    I know it’s hard. M is taking classes now to just what your aide does and it’s nowhere close to what you have to do as a family member.

    • Hillbilly says:

      That’s true. An aide, if dependable, is a help to the family member, but they get to leave at the end of their shift whereas the family member, in my case, has to be here 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

      • Holly says:

        To a much lesser degree, that’s what M was doing for his dad. Part of why he wants to go into this, to help.

        • Hillbilly says:

          It’s an admirable thing to do for sure, as long as you have the patience and fortitude to deal with every aspect of the patients lives.

  3. You’re a wonderful son!
    Don’t forget to do things for yourself. You need time for you, too!

    • Hillbilly says:

      I do try to but if I’m gone for more than a couple of hours, mom starts to get agitated and eventually works herself into a nervous mess.

  4. Pepper says:

    Hang in there, Hillbilly. What a noble and right thing to do, taking care of your Momma.

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