How Milwaukee’s Best Became Milwaukee’s Beast


If you know anything about beer, then you’ve probably already discerned the gist of this post, but read on, it get’s, um, interesting.

Let me start at the beginnin’ of the particular day the details of this post surround.

It started out as an ordinary summer day, not unlike most summer days of my teen years. Somewhere around 9 am or so, me and my “regular” crew began to gather up on my porch. As we sat there lazily tryin’ to determine what we would do that day I suddenly realized that there really was nothin’ to do, nothin’ that peaked our interest anyway. After an hour or so, everybody that was gonna show up was there.

I’ll be honest with ya here, I don’t recall everything that happened durin’ the daylight hours of that day, but I think I would be safe in sayin’ that we ended up doin’ a whole bunch of nothin’. Then dusk came around and it began gettin’ dark.

I figured it was gonna be just another hot, lazy evenin’. I was wrong.

A buddy of mine came around from out of the holler and he had his cousin in tow. (He is on my Facebook and if you read this Matt, correct me if I’m wrong.) Sometime durin’ the evenin’ three brothers that lived on the hill above my house came down, which was a rare thing for all of them to show up at once. All told, there were about 10 of us just kinda wanderin’ aimlessly around, talkin’ about this or that.

Somebody, and I can’t remember who, came up with the bright idea to go to the little store in Dante and buy beer and cigarettes. Back in those days, you could buy beer at 18 and it didn’t matter how old you were to buy cigarettes. So it was decided that Matt and Mike would go get it while the rest of us made our way up to a little rinky dink cabin we had built long ago. It wasn’t too far out the road from my house, but it was up on the hill far enough and enough trees growin’ around it, to where nobody would notice us and come askin’ questions. That, of course, also depended on how LOUD we got, an important factor we overlooked at the time.

I don’t have a clue as to where we came up with the money to buy beer and cigarettes, but we did. After a good long while, Matt and Mike finally showed up with our contraband.

We all settled around, some inside, most outside the little cabin, and began our night of innocent fun.

I don’t remember a whole lot from that night either, just a few interestin’ tidbits here and there. One such tidbit was the fact that the whole bunch of us, ‘cept Mike and Matt, were drinkin’ Milwaukee’s Best. Them two had decided to get them some Budweiser to drink, and it took the rest of us a good while and a few cans later to figure this out. The reason for that is, they had set up camp just a little further below the rest of us and had their bag of goodies stashed out of our sight.

They were close enough to join in the merriment, but far away enough whereas we wouldn’t notice that they was drinkin’ a different beer that us. I don’t know who noticed it first, it might have been me, but regardless a little, heated discussion sprang up about this blatant disregard and betrayal of our trust. This went on for a little while, then all was forgiven, well, it was actually forgotten because we were well on our way to that “third sheet in the wind” by this time.

Some time later, I have no idea what time it was, but it was dark, and we didn’t have sense enough to have brought a flashlight along, I was standin’, or leanin’ would be a better description, next to the cabin takin’ me a good, long pee, when I felt somethin’ wasn’t quite up to par about the situation. I thought about it while peein’ and it dawned on me that my right leg was a might smart warmer and a whole lot wetter than it normally should be.

I took my attention off of the effort of standing upright long enough to look to my right, where I saw Mac standin’ beside me. He had taken the notion to relieve his bladder at the same time as me, but … instead of peein’ on the wall of the cabin, he was givin’ my right leg a real good waterin’ down. As I started to form the words in my head that would eventually make their way out of my mouth, I felt rain startin’ to fall.

Once again, I was wrong. Tony, Mac’s younger brother, had climbed a tree that was beside the cabin, and he was havin’ himself a grand ‘ole time pissin’ on the roof, which in turn was splatterin’ all over the rest of us, or the ones close enough to the cabin. (Please, restrain yourselves from usin’ any and all references to Golden Showers. Thank you.) That was all I could take, I finished my business and started to make my way back down the hill to the road.

Remember earlier I told you we had neglected to think about the noise level? Well, thanks to Tony’s bright idea to piss out of a tree, onto the roof of a cabin with 5 or 6 guys standin’ around it, the noise level went up quite a few decibels. Luckily for us, nobody, and by nobody, I mean parents, came out to see what all the commotion was about.

So, once again, all was forgotten and we all managed to get back down to the road with nobody breakin’ any bones or just rollin’ down the hill. After that, things start gettin’ real fuzzy, except for three things, and I will never forget these three things as long as I live.

We had no idea what time it was, and really didn’t care and hadn’t really given it much thought, until a woman we all knew showed up in a car lookin’ for one of us. When she parked and got out of the car I realized she was wearin’ a really low cut nightie, and folks, lemme tell ya somethin’, this woman was well equipped. Naturally, it wasn’t the first time I had noticed, but it was the first time I had noticed while I was shit faced drunk and didn’t know how to keep my mouth shut. There IS a difference, as I was soon to discover … happily.

After she determined that the person she was lookin’ for was alright, she decided to stick around for a few minutes, mainly to laugh at us. At some point, she got close enough to me to where I could smell her perfume or whatever and I, of course, made a comment about it. Keep in mind this woman was a good foot and a half shorter than me.

I said something along the lines of, “Wow! Your boobs smell awesome!” or something like that, and she just nonchalantly reaches up and grabs the back of my head and pulls my face, not unwillingly I might add, right between those two joy jugs. After a second of eternity, I was standin’ back upright, not too sure of what just happened, wonderin’ if I had had a quick fantasy when she asked, did they smell better? and laughed. She left after that, but I was a changed man forever, at least in regards to her.

The second thing pertains to one of the guys inside this old garage that used to be there. I was wonderin’ where he had gotten off to ’cause I hadn’t seen him in a while. Somebody hollered out that he was in the garage, so we all went in, and there he was, pukin’ his guts out, IN THE GARAGE! Luckily for us, nobody hardly ever went in there, so hopefully it would be all dried up and gone before anybody discovered it.

But back to the actual pukin’. He was bent over double, and when there was nothin’ comin’ out, he was dry heavin, which to me is much worse. I might be wrong, but I think there was somebody else passed out in there too.

And the third and final thing I will never forget … the three days of sheer hell that followed that night. I honestly think I stayed drunk for those three days. I was miserable, as was everybody else that had drank The Beast that night. I probably smelled like a brewery the followin’ mornin’ but nobody said anythning. Of course, I stayed outdoors as much as possible. If the show The Walking Dead was playin’ at that time I would have made the perfect zombie.

So there ya have it, a night of young, innocent debauchery, forever branded in the minds of those that partook of The Beast.



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2 comments on “How Milwaukee’s Best Became Milwaukee’s Beast
  1. busy lady says:

    I got quite a giggle when I read this!

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